Me and my heart …

“Atrial fibrillation is the extremely rapid twitching of the upper chambers (atria) of the heart. When the atria cease to contract rhythmically, the ventricles do not receive a regular stimulus to trigger their contraction. This results in an inefficient pumping of the blood and in irregular pulse.”

So, here we go again. Despite all my efforts of being more active, changing eating habits, etc. last night it got me again. Out of the blue, with no reason, after an enjoyable evening with friends. Wham! Hit me like a hammer … fuck! Racing pulse, or as the doc would say paroxysmal tachycardia. Ok, I know i have two options: take the “emergency pill” or go to ER. I took two of the pills, waited, hoping my irregular pulse would convert back into a regular sinus rhythm. It wouldn’t. Another two pills after 5 hours, knowing that these pills have severe side effects, and actually I really don’t wanna take them at all. But what’s the alternative? Going to hospital and have the conversion done via cardioversion – not every alluring either.

I called in sick, waiting for the conversion back to my regular heart beat to happen, like it has done many times before. And finally after nearly 9 hours it would. And as usual it left me exhausted, tired and with a feeling of “So what is any lifestyle change you try to establish really good for? Nothing, fuck it!” It is sooo frustrating. Always living with the fear “when will it happen next” is totally reducing the quality of my life. I wouldn’t dare to get on a plane or go on vacation to some exotic country. What if it happens there? No way!

Back in december I heard a cardiologist’s lecture on cardiac arrhythmia, causes, treatments etc. She said that it is hard to get an accurate number of affected people because many do not even notice their arrhythmia, so there is pretty high estimated number of unreported cases. This is hard to believe for me, because i DO feel EVERY irregular beat of my heart. I feel it in my throat each time. How can people not notice that?! I am alarmed on each extrasystole!

AND I WANT THIS TO STOP! I want to live a life free of fear and without tons of meds again. I have to overcome “fuck it”-mode and keep on going despite the setbacks. Well, yeah, isn’t it really quite arrogant to believe that years of mistreating my body can be balanced out with one week of small steps into the right direction? Ha, I guess it is! BUT I am too young to just give in and “learn to live” with all my aches – HELL NO I WON’T!

So this morning I said “Thank you my dear heart!” when it found its rhythm again, “I will keep on going to help you make your job easier!” …



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